Her goal is to be loved. She does not notice opportunities to love or encourage others because that's not her goal. Her goal is to meet her own need, to alleviate her own pain. She is like a person with a toothache--constantly in search of a dentist, someone to make her feel better.
 

Fearing rejection, she has difficulty reaching out to others. When she does reach out, she may appear to be loving, but she does not really seek the interests of others; she seeks her own. She attempts to manipulate people to love her.

As long as she seeks to receive rather than give, there will be no end to her misery. She joins the group

C. S. Lewis calls "those pathetic people who simply want friends and can never make any." Her only solution is to change her goal. Instead of seeking to get others to love her, she must seek to love others, expecting nothing in return.

She may think, "If I stop seeking my own happiness to seek the happiness of others, I'll be shortchanged. My needs won't be met." Her wrong goal is based on the erroneous belief that she is unloved--an empty cup in need of filling. She yearns to know she's valuable, but she makes the mistake of looking into the eyes of others to read their opinions of her. If she will instead look into the eyes of God, she will find the acceptance she craves. As she affirms that her needs are already met in Christ Jesus, her new "full cup" perspective will enable her to share love with other people. She begins to experience the reality of 1 John 4:19, "We love because He first loved us."

When she chooses to serve others unselfishly, a miracle occurs. As she loses her life, she finds it! God's joy rushes in as she blesses the people around her. As a side benefit, loving and encouraging others causes her to become loveable. Like a magnet which has turned around, she no longer repels people; she attracts them.

"You can make more friends in two months by being interested in others," says Dawson McAllister, "than you can in two years trying to get others interested in you."